The Cabin in the… Wait, what? – “The Cabin in the Woods” Review

***Contains Spoilers***

Generally speaking, I am not the greatest fan of horror films. This is largely because I don’t find them scary and I dislike their lack of subtlety and plausibility. However, the advertising campaign behind “The Cabin in the Woods” lead me to believe that someone out there had finally created a clever and original take on the horror film, exploring how films of the genre could be made by murdering real people and passing it off as fiction (stripping away the one glimmer of hope that helps you sleep afterwards) in a way that uses metaphors the issues with things such as the industrialisation of modern filmmaking and mass, popular culture.

 I could not have been further from the truth.

It seems that horror films are really made to satisfy men with a lust for gore and sex and lack the mental capacity to concentrate on a plot more complicated than “a monster kills of loads of stereotypical characters who try and sleep with each other and some might survive,” though they probably don’t know the meaning of the word “stereotype” (or possibly even “characters”) which is probably why my dream of metaphors and satire went right out the window along with subtlety and originality within the first twenty or so minutes. In fact, the thing that was meant to make the film stand out made it awful. It wasn’t scary, it wasn’t believable and, now I really think about it, it wasn’t actually that gory. I mean yes, there’s a lot of blood but then you’d also see lots of that at a hospital or if you go to one of those “give blood” drives. Admittedly, it wouldn’t necessarily be smeared all over the walls but the setting ‘room littered with bodies and filled with red sticky-ness’ is totally over used and has lost its impact on the modern audience.

The film’s defining characteristic of “it’s actually real” has turned out to be its biggest let down. Instead of adding to the fear or giving the film some kind of deep meaning it actually detracts from the horror. Each time they cut back to the ‘studio’ you are, more or less, told what’s going to happen next and given plenty of time to get over the last the scare, if you found one. It more closely resembles a spoof than an actual film, which would be fine but that’s not how it was marketed. The conspiracy aspect of the film would be scarier and more believable if their reasoning behind it was actually possible…

Now, it is physically impossible for me to try and explain this without giving it away, so if you don’t want the film spoiled then leave this post now with the knowledge that I thought the film, over all, was incredibly disappointing though possibly just because I’d had considerably higher expectations for it.

Right, as you’re still reading this I assume you don’t mind me totally ruining the ending of the film. One of the characters that was previously thought to have been murdered to death (technical term) suddenly returns and having convinced her that his conspiracy theory was correct, helps the only surviving character to get into the studio by hacking into the controls of the monster elevator. Already sound unconvincing? It gets worse…

The reason characters in horror films always fit a stereotype and why they need to be killed is to satisfy ancient Gods that have been trapped in the Earth. Yes, you did indeed read that right – sacrifices to Ancient Gods. If you hadn’t picked up on that vibe from what was said throughout the film (and if you’re a typical horror film fan, you probably won’t have), Sigourney Weaver (yes, actual Sigourney Weaver) appears right at the end to explain it all just before she’s eaten by a zombie… and then the world explodes. Yeah, again you read correctly. The earth is destroyed at the end because, y’know, that DEFINITELY adds to the realism.

So, over all, I found this film to be horrifically disappointing; it’s unrealistic, unsurprising and underwhelming, but at least it gave me something to write about.

Have you seen this film? Got an opinion? Add a comment!